to never feel again

more vulnerable than a child

more real than whats real

the pain runs deeper

than i ever imagined

my secrets betrayed

my heart revealed

because in all honesty

i’m just a little girl scared

a little girl afraid to feel real

but i have not a way in

so my healing awaits

awaits the coming of the lamb

when the word “rise” releases me

and “walk” sets me free

when it won’t matter what day it is..

cuz there’s power to make us complete

when the leaves go to the nations

when demons actually flee

when all sickness is cast away

when truth and righteousness meet

then i will find the man

that i so desperately need

he’ll wash my pain away

and in the garden i will feast

the eloquent ink that transpires

never quite brings about formality of though

instead it remains a tool

the tool in which sets my mind free

blotches

the terrible scribbles only prove

and are there to indicate my trouble in remembering

i seem to be missing the point of this assignment.

besides…at times…i much prefer a pencil.

woman. girl becoming older.

a face forming color.

inticing.

eloquent.

fascinating.

a kiss to be remembered.

perhaps a kiss to be desired.

nonetheless always depicting beauty…

or maybe the fear of never being pretty.

i winnowed what would fade

from what would last till hands like mine

should be a-dreaming laid

i put the latter in the barn-

the former, blew away

i went on winter morning

and lo-my priceless hay

was not upon the “scaffold”-

was not upon the “beam”-

and from a thriving farmer-

a cynic i became

whether a thief did it-

whether it was the wind-

whether deity’s guiltless-

my business is to find!

So i began to ransack!

How is it hearts, with thee?

Art thou within the little barn

love provided thee?

-Emily Dickinson

according to your word

my soul breaks with longing

my heart earnestly yearns

you are good forever

no matter how i feel

you handle my heart gently

but my pride you’re out to kill

you want me in eternity

so you receive me as i am

but no in this reality

you remove everything that contends

for i am a liar

i claim to love God

yet i hate my father

i have learned your ways

pain is inevitable

but sufficient is your grace

let your mercy never fail me

oh Lord i pray

be always my refuge

so my soul never faints

in the hour i need you

you will be quick to save

your word is settled in heaven

forever you will remain

though the fire stings

i will not be burned

because the double-minded will perish

but the righteous you restore

though evil shall befall me

i will not be afraid

i will lift my eyes up

to the truth in which i’m made

because on my own i will not walk in them

teach me your truth

because i want to know firsthand

lead me your way

i must find the lamb.

that i would forever remain

but right now i’m nothing

but a faithless and lazy servant

I have nothing to offer

so i lift my hands up high

hoping your forgiveness

will transform my mind